05-26-1994

Well, judging from my last entry, it seems I have some catching up to do. Things are, if anything, the same in some ways. Mark and I are thinking a lot about splitting up. I think it would be a relief for me.Wierd but I feel sad too. He says he wont change and be the perfect little angel I want him to be. I say, that's just another excuse to keep drinking. I have learned that an alcoholic cannot quit just half way and I no longer have any hopes that he ever will. I need to just let him get on with things, as I need to do myself. I seem to always need to watch what other people in my life are doing and never pay attention  to me. If I could  learn to "listen to my inner self", really really listen, then I don't things would have happened the way they did. I should not have moved my 4 beautiful girls hundreds of miles like I did. There is no excuse except I thought this was true love, and I thought that love could change everything for me. I miss my girls very much, and I only hope I haven't messed things up too much with them. I have been looking forward, yet dreading to go to pick them up from their dads house. To get them for the summer, I don't want them to come down here if Mark is going to be drinking. I know this crap is ruining my life. Its a drug that has taken me prisoner with Mark, and I don't even drink. It's all I ever think about, focus on. Weekends are always hell and then he always gets two weeks vacations time. He tells me I'm over reacting but I hate not being able to talk to him when he's drunk. He is snotty, rude like a time bomb waiting to explode. We are such a classic example of a co-dependent relationship. There are enough problems in a normal relationship, with out the booze! I guess the only solution is to split up. I'll never ever be able to handle that crap in my life. I was at one time a very calm person. I took life as it came and me and the girls always managed to have some fun along the way.I wish I could go back, but I'm 32 years old now, and we can only go forward. If I had only realized that when I picked up the phone and called my old boyfriend (Mark) again after years and years, I would NEVER have made that call. Now I have, with that one phone call, changed all of our lives forever. I'm still waiting to see if it has been for the better or the worse. I know so far it is the worst.  I am so miserable and I feel like a raving bitch most of the time. I have so much guilt about the way I'm raising my kids, living through hell with this ass hole drunk and then taking it out on them when I a m mad at Mark.as it goes, I am angry all of the time. My blood pressure and my weight are up. I flunked most of my classes at school, because I work and take care of 5 children, and try to go to school. I won;t be able to get financial aid for schoolfor this fall. Again I am asking myselfwhat possible reason do I have for staying here?I have no family here, I don't even have all of my kids here. I have no friends, no job, only night shift work, no school, I only have one little girl named Christina who loves her daddy no matter how awful, mean, drunk he is. She loves her great grandma, and Ray and Carmelita. I'll never give her up because I love her, and Mark is good to her when he's not wasted. I am so fucked up! If I leave Mark, I'll be back on welfare again, which I loathe the thought of. I got married to Keith when I was 16, because I was pregnant. Had my first baby Rebecca, Keith left me and then came back, left again, always greener pastures with him the big jack ass. Cheated on my so many times, then used me for money, sex, etc. whenever he needed me. I always thought he was my soul mate. We used to kiss for hours, then he started flirting with girls from work, whenever he bothered to go to work. I have done everything wrong in my life from the start. I feel trapped and old, and used up and sorry for myself. I don't like people who go around and say poor me poor me, and feel sorry for themselves. Here I am doing the same thing. Well, from now on I am going to try to become more positive and let what comes, comes. .. Later....Ra