03-25-94

I really have been out of touch lately. Haven't been too dependable about things, anything, all my whole life. Not surprising huh? I'm always so down on myself. I have been reading a lot on co-dependency lately, and the more I know, the more I wish I had known way back when. I know I can't spend my life thinking about what happened back in the day. I know it helps when you go back and "deal" with that past and discover a way to move on and heal. Apologize to people you hurt. I don;t remember much of what happened to me as a kid. My dad died when I was 7 all I remember was thinking I wished he would die. And he did. I don't want to be one of those people to drudge along, resentful and hateful for the rest of their lives. Never having fun, never being able to see the good stuff in life. I can't stop thinking about how depressing life is anymore. Mark and I are constantly on edge with each other. Starting school was a big mistake.I didn't get enough money from my grant and he wants us to buy a house. Now he hassles me constantly about how much I owe him and I'm getting so paranoid about even feeding my kids! I don't want this big old black cloud over my head anymore. Well I'll keep searching for a new and better life for me and my girls, I hope I get an answer soon on that loan for school. I almost hope it doesn't happen. Maybe I'm in to pain huh? Later....