05-30-1994

Dear Diary... Well, today is memorial day. It's been ok so far. I am just sitting here relaxing and thinking about the week to come. What am I going to do with the girls. My heart longs to hug them, and see them and talk to them and tuck them in at night and play with them during the day. Every day more and more, I want to just go home. I want them back, I want everything to just be normal again. I miss them so much! Mark is partying with his stupid friends today. Christina and April went to Carmelitas house and Stephanie stayed the night with her friend. So here I sit, all alone. Yet I feel so expectant inside?Why? I love my girls so much, what can I do to keep everyone happy? I want a separation from Mark. I want him to quit drinking. He won't. That's all I ever think about anymore. That and I have to get out. How can I explain staying with him to my girls? There is no excuse because all the drinking is not worth all the separation in my life and I have to live with that!   me...

05-26-1994

Well, judging from my last entry, it seems I have some catching up to do. Things are, if anything, the same in some ways. Mark and I are thinking a lot about splitting up. I think it would be a relief for me.Wierd but I feel sad too. He says he wont change and be the perfect little angel I want him to be. I say, that's just another excuse to keep drinking. I have learned that an alcoholic cannot quit just half way and I no longer have any hopes that he ever will. I need to just let him get on with things, as I need to do myself. I seem to always need to watch what other people in my life are doing and never pay attention  to me. If I could  learn to "listen to my inner self", really really listen, then I don't things would have happened the way they did. I should not have moved my 4 beautiful girls hundreds of miles like I did. There is no excuse except I thought this was true love, and I thought that love could change everything for me. I miss my girls very much, and I only hope I haven't messed things up too much with them. I have been looking forward, yet dreading to go to pick them up from their dads house. To get them for the summer, I don't want them to come down here if Mark is going to be drinking. I know this crap is ruining my life. Its a drug that has taken me prisoner with Mark, and I don't even drink. It's all I ever think about, focus on. Weekends are always hell and then he always gets two weeks vacations time. He tells me I'm over reacting but I hate not being able to talk to him when he's drunk. He is snotty, rude like a time bomb waiting to explode. We are such a classic example of a co-dependent relationship. There are enough problems in a normal relationship, with out the booze! I guess the only solution is to split up. I'll never ever be able to handle that crap in my life. I was at one time a very calm person. I took life as it came and me and the girls always managed to have some fun along the way.I wish I could go back, but I'm 32 years old now, and we can only go forward. If I had only realized that when I picked up the phone and called my old boyfriend (Mark) again after years and years, I would NEVER have made that call. Now I have, with that one phone call, changed all of our lives forever. I'm still waiting to see if it has been for the better or the worse. I know so far it is the worst.  I am so miserable and I feel like a raving bitch most of the time. I have so much guilt about the way I'm raising my kids, living through hell with this ass hole drunk and then taking it out on them when I a m mad at Mark.as it goes, I am angry all of the time. My blood pressure and my weight are up. I flunked most of my classes at school, because I work and take care of 5 children, and try to go to school. I won;t be able to get financial aid for schoolfor this fall. Again I am asking myselfwhat possible reason do I have for staying here?I have no family here, I don't even have all of my kids here. I have no friends, no job, only night shift work, no school, I only have one little girl named Christina who loves her daddy no matter how awful, mean, drunk he is. She loves her great grandma, and Ray and Carmelita. I'll never give her up because I love her, and Mark is good to her when he's not wasted. I am so fucked up! If I leave Mark, I'll be back on welfare again, which I loathe the thought of. I got married to Keith when I was 16, because I was pregnant. Had my first baby Rebecca, Keith left me and then came back, left again, always greener pastures with him the big jack ass. Cheated on my so many times, then used me for money, sex, etc. whenever he needed me. I always thought he was my soul mate. We used to kiss for hours, then he started flirting with girls from work, whenever he bothered to go to work. I have done everything wrong in my life from the start. I feel trapped and old, and used up and sorry for myself. I don't like people who go around and say poor me poor me, and feel sorry for themselves. Here I am doing the same thing. Well, from now on I am going to try to become more positive and let what comes, comes. .. Later....Ra

03-25-94

I really have been out of touch lately. Haven't been too dependable about things, anything, all my whole life. Not surprising huh? I'm always so down on myself. I have been reading a lot on co-dependency lately, and the more I know, the more I wish I had known way back when. I know I can't spend my life thinking about what happened back in the day. I know it helps when you go back and "deal" with that past and discover a way to move on and heal. Apologize to people you hurt. I don;t remember much of what happened to me as a kid. My dad died when I was 7 all I remember was thinking I wished he would die. And he did. I don't want to be one of those people to drudge along, resentful and hateful for the rest of their lives. Never having fun, never being able to see the good stuff in life. I can't stop thinking about how depressing life is anymore. Mark and I are constantly on edge with each other. Starting school was a big mistake.I didn't get enough money from my grant and he wants us to buy a house. Now he hassles me constantly about how much I owe him and I'm getting so paranoid about even feeding my kids! I don't want this big old black cloud over my head anymore. Well I'll keep searching for a new and better life for me and my girls, I hope I get an answer soon on that loan for school. I almost hope it doesn't happen. Maybe I'm in to pain huh? Later....

Jan 4, 1994

Well, I've got some catching up to do. I had a fairly good December. Christmas I worked, had another fight with Mark on Christmas Eve. It never fails, whenever we have any special time together, we fight? I don't know anymore how to handle things. I love him very much, it's just too bad I'm not that important to him. One day just kinda blends in to another anymore. I am planning on starting school and I'm hoping it will help things change. I've been so cranky with my kids, they truly must think I'm crazy. I yell at them because I'm mad at myself for acting the way I do. I am soo glad for the day off. I haven't had a chance to be alone for months, and it feels good! I am going to send Sandi something for her birthday Friday. I miss her so much! I'm missing so much of all their lives all because I moved to Twin. Sometimes I hate myself for what I've done. Sometimes I'm so glad for what I have here. Confusion is my new name. All I want is a "real relationship", working for the same things,, to set a goal, even if I have to be by myself.                    me-

Nov. 29th 1993

Had a good thanksgiving! I worked at the hospital and when I got off and went home, Mark had the turkey done! Was off yesterday, got paid, did some shopping with Steph. We had our hair cut, came home and found out Chris was sick.I took her to the E.R and it took forever!She has a throat infection- poor little sweetie she worries me, she only weighs 22lbs. Got into it with Mark last night. He was drinking yesterday and for the last little while I was handling it fairly well, but when he's drunk and hassling the kids and being really rude to me it galls me like no other. I wish he would stop being such an ass to me, and not take me for granted. I wish he would pay more attention to other things besides the stupid beer! the thing that really set me off last night was that he was sooo drunk, and he got  mad because the 12 pk of beer that I bought for him, (as he was too drunk to go get it) had a few dents in the cans and he wanted me to return them. that crap is THE most important thing in his life. I mean it just took the cake! I feel so stupid, because you just can't win with a drunk, and we are going nowhere fast. I'll bet he is drunk when I get home tonight and I'll also bet he hasn't checked the brakes on the car. Nothing is more important than sucking on a beer. that's pretty sad huh? I'll write more later...

Date: 11-24-1993  Today I will start this journal. I've wanted one for the longest time and I finally got one. I want to give it to my daughter Rebecca or maybe no one at all when I get old and decrepit. I am 31 years old at the time of this writing. I've been going back in my mind to my childhood days. I don't feel like I'm any "good" kind of person at all, and I'm just wondering if the way I grew up would be the cause of my "low self-esteem". Mark and I were talking the other day, and the more I come to think of it, I can see how much like my mom I am. How I feel "lost". You know, like I have children, and a home (if you want to call it that) and I don't really know what the heck I am supposed to be doing?! I don't think I'm a bad mom, because I absolutely love my children, and I do only want the best for them. I think I'll set a goal for this journal and part of that is to "explore" parts of my childhood, and fix what I can and try to let go of what I can't change about myself. This may sound corny, but this journal is for me and only me, unless I want to pass it on. So, here goes: I guess I have been feeling really resentful toward my mom for the way we were raised, and I tell you, I never, ever, ever felt this way until recently and that's what bugs me, because this is such a new twist. I'm angry with her. I always wanted someone to love just me, and I guess I resent the way she never hugged us or kissed us goodnight. No one was ever there to tell us to "brush your teeth before bed".